She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
