Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
