there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize