I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Dicks are not precious.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
