I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
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Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
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Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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