Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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