I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
