the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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