why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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