Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
