yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
