Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
