I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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