Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Found your dick twin last night
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
