just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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