and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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