Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
