I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
