We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
