I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
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I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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