Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
