i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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