I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
