I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
This gyro tastes like lonliness
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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