Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
