ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
