if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
