just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
