Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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