and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
