I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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