Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
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george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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