I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
