The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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