I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
