So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
