i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
