Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
