I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
