You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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