Fuck appropriateness.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
