I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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