I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Randomize
