bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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