How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
