don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
