I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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