I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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