An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Thank you for not boning my boss.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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