If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
