Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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