Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
