After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
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I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
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I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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