her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Randomize
