he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
