doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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