i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
