rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
